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John Kerry came clean last night at a gala ball that he had accepted a large sum of money from George W. Bush's campaign manager to throw the 2004 election. Due to his previous relations with the President, Kerry agreed on the condition that once a year he would be allowed to perform oral sex to completion on the President, if at all possible while he was on the telephone with Moscow. It was reported that Kerry had consumed any number of drinks and had disappeared into a bathroom with a bottle of ether and three unknown men previous to the confession, where he remained for over an hour with the door locked. Upon emerging, he gave his confession at the top of the stairs. It was not immediately apparent what it was he was speaking of, but after a four and a half hour speech, during which two people suffered seizures and brain hemorrhaging, Hillary Clinton, also attending the event, threw a glass of her own urine on him out of sheer frustration, to which he responded, "Thank you m'am, may I have another!" The confession came shortly after.

The President remains unavailable for comment as he has been grappling with the horrifying existential concepts posed to him by Albert Camus' The Stranger, which he claims to have read last summer. He is currently hiding beneath the desk of the Oval Office and refusing to come out. Dick Cheney responded to questions by farting loudly into a microphone while chewing on a small Malaysian child's finger bones. Story is developing, and this media outlet will keep you posted with any updates.

Now it's on the Internet, which means it's true.